So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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