my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
