phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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