found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
