grandma shit on top of the toilet
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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