I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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