just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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