i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i dont even know how to be here
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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