My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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