my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
