I should be sponsored by Trojan
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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