I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize