plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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