God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
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