WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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