she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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