The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
