M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
