My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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