drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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