Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
