she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
