Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
