last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
