I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
