is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
