The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
