I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
