Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
