we have pet lesbian snakes
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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