Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
