1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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