hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
