My girlfriend figured out who you are.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
