Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
