My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
