how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Oh god it's open bar.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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