Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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