she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
