My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
