I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize