If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
