In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
