I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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