So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
