sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
