hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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