The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
