i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
