She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
