My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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