New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
