im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
