Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
