he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
