Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize