Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
