I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
