Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
