I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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