so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize