i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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