Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
