Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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